I'm going to do it in english, even though everybody who might read this speaks dutch. However I can't put it into words in dutch.
It's also going to be quite long, so I'll post it in parts.
I'm going to try to explain why I have a phoenix tattoo on my upper leg/hip. . If you have not seen it: Here's a picture:
It's to remind me of the darkness I had and the strength I have to overcome that.
For those who don't know: The phoenix is a mythical bird which can be found in many (Eastern) cultures. In those myths the phoenix is a fire bird which lives for a great span of time (mostly 500years old) when it's time to die comes near it either ignites or burns on a pyre it build himself. From the ashes arises either an egg or a hatch-ling. In some cultures the same bird, in others the offspring. Which will life for another span of time and so on and so on.
In modern day it's a symbol of rebirth, immortality, and renewal.
Most people know (and if you don't you do now) that I've been bullied as a child. Quite extensively. I remember being pushed in a puddle at the school near my house. I left there when I went to group 3.So yes, I have been bullied my entire school period. And yes, this includes the MBO.
I remember all different kinds of being bullied. Being called names, being isolated, being surrounded while they called me names, made songs about me, picked last at gym, clothes hidden, pushed in bushes, pushed in poison ivy/thorny plants/puddles/dog poo and being kept from exiting, being hit/kicked/punched/tied down, crushes exposed by 'friends' or crushes asking to go steady only to 'dump' you in front of everyone telling it's a joke, forced to eat sand/twigs/glue, getting blamed for stuff I didn't do and off course, not all limited at school, but also out of school.
At Elementary I tried to keep inside during recess. I tried to either hurry home after class, or staying behind until everyone left. Often offering people to do their chores in an dual attempt to make them like me and so that everybody left after school and didn't wait for me (which they sometimes did none the less). This off course made me an even easier target and more like a doormat. ,, Just ask Patries, she'll do it."
At home I was supported. For awhile my parents did talk to the teachers, but this just backfired and made things worse. Even more when teachers didn't even take me serious, because I came to them too often. So I didn't go to them anymore and they either believed it had stopped or just ignored it, but after teaching myself I go for the lather (or perhaps I notice these things more).
But seeing my parents hurt as well I softened everything. So they didn't understand the gravity of everything until much later.
I contemplated suicide, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want my parents to suffer (and I never believed my parents and brother were better off without me). I contemplated killing my class, I dreamed about it. Either during the day or at night. Think about it, a 9 year old (I was around that age) wanting to murder her class mates.
I remember sitting in my classroom and cutting pieces of paper with scissors. Then looking around wondering if I should just stab the nearest people to me first, leaving chance others escape or going directly to the bullies. I remember thinking: If I act quick I can stab her in the neck, him in the back, her in her hand. If I then go stand in the doorway I can kill a few more, before they get me.
Even now I feel a sense of fullfilment about that moment. Like thinking about what you would do with the lottery money.
The darkest days were during elementary school.That's when I was burning on my pyre.
NEXT:
How I rose from the ashes!
